Fire Struggling to Keep Heads Up

onenil.gifMaybe there are some universal truths, even between soccer players and scooterists. After getting through another Niagara, which included rain, drinking, drunkenness, rain, the flipping over of my tent due to strong winds, a diet that could only be described as “minimally life-supporting,” and some more rain, I only needed one thingo sleep. Lots of it.

Just like any other scooterist who consumed way more alcohol than food and stood around a fire watching stuff burn for hours on end rather than use the tent they carefully constructed, I needed really restful and satisfying sleep.

No matter how hard you train, no matter how talented you are, you need to take some time and sleep. I have been training for scooter rallies for years now. I haven’t trained as hard as some, mind you, but I’ve built up quite a beer holder just north of the release valve. Much like the Fire, I have trained hard and know how to use my talent.

The Crew beat the Fire this past Sunday at Soldier Field in an awful showing. The much-hated rivals of Fire fans, the scourge of the Eastern Conference, the bastard child of Mr. Pitiful Coaching and Mrs. Not Enough Talent historically have got their asses handed to them with the Crew last winning in Chicago back in 1999. But this week, we couldn’t hold off yet another last place team. Losing 3-1 to Columbus can only be likened to showing up at a rally and getting drunk under the table with 17-year-old Jedi Knights.

I drove back home that Sunday from Niagara exhausted but excited to watch the game. For those of you not familiar with the Niagara to Chicago trek, to make a 3 p.m. game meant we had to get up and get out of the Welland County Motorcycle Club campground by 5:30 a.m. Chicago time (4:30 a.m. Niagara time) to guarantee making it on time. And of course, when Moe and I got up after hours of fitful sleep interrupted by the usual inebriated revelers, it was still raining.

After arriving at the stadium in the nick of time, we invented the Booster Cable, a drink that took us into the Soldier Field laughing and dreaming of smashing the Crew’s bus parked near main gate. It would unfortunately do nothing to change the miserable result of the game.

It seemed like every time that the douche-bag-laden Crew charged at the Fire defense, the line got more exhausted. Brown lost a step. Whitfield couldn’t protect the right. Beasley had to keep playing back on the left. We all had another beer in the stands. Even the beer combined with the newly-invented Booster Cable that Moe and I tightened up with before the match couldn’t do anything to allay our anger.

Even after Razov equalized at the start of the second half, that energy that a tying goal can bring just didn’t bother stopping by the stadium. It floated out along with the firework smoke from the goal celebration.
It’s not as if the Fire has looked bad all year, but they definitely looked tired.

We have loads of talent. Razov, Ralph, Dipsy and yes, even Jaqua at times can take it to any keeper in the league. Big Jim Curtin can hold off any defense when he is on. But we have been misfiring more than a Scooterworks restoration. [the opinions expressed in this editorial piece do not reflect those of 2strokebuzz.com, heh. -Ed]

After the match, I was a step behind everything and everyone. I had to think twice before doing anything and I usually chose wrong. Like continuing my drinking when I got home, although the Mill Street Brewery Coffee Porter that I was gifted at the rally is pretty damn good. I just need to put my head down and not do anything for 12 hours.

It got me to thinking. Maybe the Fire has just been collectively staying out too late. Maybe Sarachan is training them too hard. Williams has to be losing weight as Moe and I kept mistaking him for Dipsy. After a long sleep for Armas and the boys, things may look better in the morning. They did for me.

Recipe for a Booster Cable:

  • 1 weekend without sleep
  • 1 bottle of duty free Maker’s Mark
  • 1 half rack of Mill Street Coffee Porter
  • 6 mosquito bites
  • 5 strippers at Mints
  • 1 marriage proposal
  • 1 blown over tent
  • 100 drunken scooterists
  • 1 Chicago Fire game
  • $40 Canadian
  1. Step 1: Drive all night to reach Niagara by 7 a.m. on Friday morning guaranteeing that you will be the only ones there and that you will have entertain yourselves by drinking all the beer you brought before 2 p.m. Acquire mosquito bites.
  2. Step 2: Spend the weekend not sleeping and continuously drinking. Help throw various items into big fire pit.
  3. Step 3: Watch friends get beaten by strippers with belts as people in audience toss money on stage to get their friends beaten even harder.
  4. Step 4: Put 20 dollars into Video Poker machine. Lose it all. Borrow 20 from friend. Even after winning back the money you lost, continue to lose until you have nothing left. Apologize to friend.
  5. Step 5: Watch Larry from New York (now living in Cleveland) propose to Samantha (already living with Larry). Tear up in front of drunken scooterists.
  6. Step 6: Thank Jack for flipping back over tent but forget to buy him a beer.
  7. Step 7: Drive straight to Fire game, starting at 5:30 a.m. Try not to scratch mosquito bites.
  8. Step 8: After properly marinating self in beer and liquor for three days, combine Maker’s Mark and Coffee Porter in a 1:10 ratio, respectively. Become instantly drunk.
  9. Step 9: Watch Fire lose.
  10. Step 10: Repeat Step 8 back home until you can’t lift hand. Sleep.

4 replies on “Fire Struggling to Keep Heads Up”

  1. honest to god, that jumper cable was sent from on high. it’s like the best irish coffee you could ever have. I want one *RIGHT NOW*!


  2. Losing 3-1 to Columbus can only be likened to showing up at a rally and getting drunk under the table with 17-year-old Jedi Knights.

    I drove back home that Sunday from Niagara exhausted but excited to watch the game. For those of you not familiar with the Niagara to Chicago trek, to make a 3 p.m. game meant we had to get up and get out of the Welland County Motorcycle Club campground by 5:30 a.m. Chicago time (4:30 a.m. Niagara time) to guarantee making it on time. And of course, when Moe and I got up after hours of fitful sleep interrupted by the usual inebriated revelers, it was still raining.

    Drunk under the table?

    We were still up and drinking strong at 4:30 Eastern time!… And usually are, I can barely remember being the last one standing standing by the fire, still drinking Hard, for the last 9 years running, But it happened for at least 7 of em.

    It was cool seing you all again, hope you can make it out for our 10 year aniversary rally, JKSC-X. Its just west of Ann Arbor on July 2,3,4
    Beer, Food, Camping, Raffle, Patch, DJ’s and Bands for just $25.
    See ya there!

  3. Weren’t we just talking about this Nick Hornby book last week? All you have to do is substitute “Fire” for “Arsenal” and “Niagara rally” for “girl who dumped me because I love Arsenal” and there ya go! :D

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