#14: Valentine Scooter Love

Today’s question for Dr. Buzz and his panel of experts comes from From Sally P. of Portland, OR:

I just got a scooter. I love it sooooooo much. I was wondering where to find other people that are into scooters. I’m single and maybe looking for a scooter-boy.

Shifton Kross: Join a club in your local city. this is a great way to meet scooterists.

If its a companion you’re seeking then you need to goto a scooter rally. A camping rally would be your best bet. The girl to guy ratio at a rally is about 10:1 so you’ll have no problems.

Make it obvious that you intent to meet somebody. When you’re realy drunk, sit at a table full of guys, pull out your birth control pills and take then with a big swig of PBR.

Sit on alot of laps. Fall over alot. Be the first naked ride of the night. Thats how you meet a scooter-boy and perhaps become a scooter legend yourself.

Miguel Manananggal: So you’re saying there are ten times the amount of girls to guys at scooter rallies now? Crap… I’d better go to Niagara.

Dr. Buzz: I think Shifton meant the other way ’round. And I think Sally wants to find love, not be gang-raped. But Shifton is right about one thing, a single girl is rarely lonely at a scooter rally.

Kross: You might be better off not dating a scooter boy. Many scooter girls just start dating a “scooter-boy” or motorcycle guy and he’ll end up working on your bike. Then he’ll tell you that you need to go a little faster, so he’ll buy you a performance pipe. Then he’ll decide that he likes your pipe and he’ll put it on his bike, and talk you into buying another pipe he was thinking about getting for his bike. Then he’ll tell you to buy a cylinder kit to bump up the cc’s a little bit and if you have that you’ll need a bigger carb to really get the best performance out of that cylinder/pipe combo. At this point your transmission will start slipping because of all the extra power so you’ll get either a new clutch with stronger springs or a performance variator and rear pulley with a stronger spring (depending on if it’s a manual or auto)

Then it won’t run right, and he’ll tell you that you need a bigger scooter cause yours is a little to slow and the brakes suck anyway so you’ll trade in your scoot and get something bigger and nicer.

Then you’ll break up and lose interest in scooters cause they’ll just remind you of that loser you were dating and all the money he cost you.

Dr. Buzz: Shifton is as wise as he is tactless, we’ve all seen that happen. The lesson is, don’t let boys touch your bike. Havelock, what’s your take?

Havelock VanDerHook: If you got a pair of tits and legs you can draw your own crowd and talk the boys into buying scooters so they can hang out with you. But beware of the dreaded “beardo”. He will want to buy a moped instead of a scooter, and later he’ll trade it for a lathe to build his own modern furniture. Trust me sister, I’ve seen it a hundred times.

Dr. Buzz: Ah, that seems oddly… specific. I think Hooky’s heart was broken by a Beardo.

I’d say forums are a good place to meet other scooterists, It’s nice to get a feel for people before you meet them in person, and forums bring out the worst in everyone, so they’re a good indication. The International Scooterist BBS is a bit hardcore and maybe not the best place to start, I’d Google for Yahoogroups in your area, or check out Modern Buddy, it’s probably the friendliest forum out there, there aren’t too many uptight Buddy riders. The problem is, the “friendlier” the club/ride/forum, the more girls will already be there, so if you want to reduce the competition, grow a thick skin and get mixed up with the vintage crowd.

And whatver Shifton says, don’t throw yourself at people. Everyone likes a flirt, but chrome won’t get you home. New scooterists often feel the need to do whatever it takes to fit in, and that’s a turn off, being yourself is always the way to go. Just don’t be shy, and don’t worry about being different or committing a faux pas, a spectacular crash is a fabulous way to suddenly become the center of attention, or if you’re a bit more subtle, try locking your keys in your pet carrier just as the ride is leaving. Someone will either stay to help you, or offer to give you a ride, either way, when you “find” your spare key, he’ll hopefully already be hooked.

Do you have a question for the 2strokebuzz experts? Email Dr. Buzz! Your confidentiality is guaranteed.

Note: Dr. Buzz is an unlicensed, mostly-fictional doctor. Take his advice, and that of his team of experts, with a grain of salt.